Tonight I am very much missing my grandma.. I cant believe she's gone. It's just one of those nights, I can't sleep... Every time I remember her face, her voice, her laughter, I just break down.. I wish I could just go over to her house and hear her singing and entertaining everyone just one last time. It's tough, it's very tough tonight.. =(

What a day, what a day.. I've had the weirdest mood swings. I visited my grandma at the hospital today, she is not doing well at all. She can't talk nor can she even swallow the medication that is given to her. It makes me so sad, what makes the situation even worst is that my grandpa will NOT leave her side and just sits there next to her and cries all day. Seeing him like that BROKE my heart. It's his lifetime partner of course he's going to feel that way. I know that my grandma knows what's going on with her, but she has absolutely no strength inside of her to show what she's actually feeling deep down inside. She can barely move. I look back to not even that long ago, she was fine. The chemo had helped her so much, she was almost a different person after her cancer was gone. When her cancer came back this time around it spread all over her body, leaving no room for anyone to cure her. I hate how cancer just eats you up alive. Slowly you get to the point where it's just not bearable and your body shuts down in a matter of seconds. I'm getting myself ready for the worst because I know it's coming any day now. I just don't want to hear those words.. not just yet. My grandma is someone that has so much love to give and cares for everyone. Whatever happens to her, i'll never forget her great advice and exactly how great of a person she is.

I'm praying that my grandma doesn't suffer anymore. I hate seeing her like this, cancer has eaten her alive and hasn't left even an ounce of strength inside her body. We had to call ER today because she just can't bear being home anymore. She doesn't have many days left to live and it kills me inside. I never thought this day would come...

I honestly don't remember the last time I wrote a real journal entry in here. I'm starting to sleep really late at nights once again. I've been up most of the nights just in my room listening to music. Music is the most calming thing I can turn to when I'm having a stressful day, it's like my own kind of therapy. Things have definitely changed since the last time I've written in this thing. My summer so far has been full of new adventures, new friends, and even new family. Ever since my sister moved out I think I've matured in my own little way. You kind of don't have that older sister to really depend on anymore, but you do.. it's a weird feeling. I guess her not living with us anymore has brought many changes for my parents, my brother, and myself. She literally lives one block down from us and I am extremely thankful for that. However I do miss her like crazy when I don't see her as often. Work has been kind of stressful for me, especially since I've been working strictly on schedule and waking up early in the mornings. I've learned a lot though, especially since my dads friend who's an accountant has been training me to do some accounting stuff on the side. I don't know how I'm going to manage when school starts again, but I think I should take a couple days off when school starts. I got another job offer at my school to mentor students in my major. I guess my advisor referred me to the mentoring department so I can be a mentor/tutor for students that are having trouble. I'm actually very thrilled that I got chosen, and I think it might be a great opportunity and it can look very good on grad school apps/resumes. They pay well too, so that's always a plus. What I'm trying to say is that I'm probably looking at a very packed fall semester at school. I'm going to be taking 6 classes again, so it might be quite the challenge going to school full-time and having two jobs on the side. I'm honestly doing it all for grad school. Right now everything I'm doing at Woodbury I'm always thinking grad school, grad school. "Rosie keep your grades up, keep your grades up." I still don't know where I want to go, but I do know that I want to pursue a career in Speech Pathology. So we'll see where all of that goes. Hopefully it goes somewhere. =)

Ever since last semester ended I feel like I've transformed more into a positive and confident person. I'm really glad I have because I think those were probably my main weaknesses in the past. I still have more to work on, but for the most part I think I've done a pretty good job making myself happy. I'm so lucky to have such great friends around me. I honestly don't know what I would do without my friends in my life. My summer has been awesome so far and I seriously couldn't ask for more. This summer brought many changes. I've had plenty of time to think, especially during the 2am nights where I couldn't sleep. It's never worth being angry at someone for such a long period of time because nothing comes out of it. Absolutely nothing comes out of it. I've learned that in the process you're only hurting yourself. All I know is that I'm pretty much done with people that equally don't respect me as much as I respect them. Nothing should ever be one-sided especially friendships, relationships, partnerships, anything ending with "ships".. you get the point. I've left unnecessary things where they should be, somewhere not close to me.. and I've held the things that mean the most to me close to my heart. It might have taken long for me to realize some things but I think it's been worthwhile.

"True progress means matching the world to the vision in our heads. We always change the vision instead." -Thrice (Circles)
If you have control, take advantage of it. Don't go through life wanting to change but never do anything to change.

Goodnight<3

I feel so unlucky.. all my life I've felt pretty unlucky.. what is luck anyways?


I'm done. I'm so done.

Date:	2009-06-08 11:17
Subject:	hmmmm..
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

A lot has happened in the past month or so.. but if I had time to write it all in here I totally would.. These past couple of months have been so hectic..

My sister is a married woman. I'm beyond happy for her! I seriously wish nothing but the best for her and her husband. They went on their honeymoon last night. These couple of days have been a little bit lonely for me, and the house feels pretty empty without her.. but she is only a block down from us, so what more can I ask for? I do miss her a lot when I don't see her.. but that's just life.. there is nothing we can do about stuff like this..

Everyone said that they had a lot of fun at the wedding! I'm glad, because so did I.. it was one of the best days of my life seeing my sister walking down that isle, because deep inside I know how much she was waiting for this day.

If my brother gets married and moves out soon, I'm going to be one lonely soul.. hahaha.. anyways well I should go get ready for work.. back to the same ol' routine.. not for long though!! (VEGAS!!) =)

Date:	2009-05-01 12:40
Subject:	yay!
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Sooo... I have officially made the Lambda Pi Eta (LPH) at Woodbury. Which means that I will be receiving a certificate ANDDD I will be wearing a gold tassel when I graduate!!!!! =)

I don't think I've ever been so stressed with school stuff. It's putting my mood down these days. I have SOOOO much to do by the end of the month and I just don't know where to start. I hate complaining, but that's all I can do now because I'm eagerly waiting for this semester to end!!!!! I am COUNTING down the days until the month is over..

Things to do this week:

Wed- Project due for Design Culture
Thurs- 30 min crisis comm presentation with 22 page plan
Thurs- 16 page book analysis for Comm theory


yeah, I'm not going to be sleeping this week.... at all.

talk to you guys never. =(

I need some cheering up and and some kind of motivation because I'm definitely lacking that right now..

ughhh =/

Date:	2009-04-12 01:18
Subject:	can't sleep..
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

It seems like forever since I last updated. If I had time, I would update everyday. There has been so much on my mind lately. Almost 95 percent of the time I just keep it inside me and try mind brushing it away slowly until it all fades away. There really is no use though, everything just builds up again when the night is almost over and when you're about to go to bed. I've been thinking about my future a lot lately and how sometimes I get scared shitless thinking about what it has in store for me. I am clueless right about now, but I guess a lot of people my age are. I can't believe I'm going to be 23 in less than three months. 23 scares me, but 24 is probably the scariest because it really hits you when you're almost 25. Growing up is definitely a scary thought. I feel like for the past couple of years I've been going through different maturing stages of my life. It weird though, because last month I wanted one thing and this month I want something completley different. Who knows what i'll want next month. I think for once, (aside from school and work) I'm trying to have the funnest and exciting time ever without caring much about what people think. I don't feel like I have that extra burden of stress on my shoulders like I did before. For once, I can just go out and live in the moment and not care about anything else. When school and work come along I do my thing. When I'm out, I'm out; end of story. I'm tired of worrying about pointless things and overthinking all the time. I just want to have a gooooooood time. One thing I always try to tell myself is, "No matter what direction your life takes you, stay positive; because the only way you'll get somewhere again is if you start with the right attitude." I always try to have hope. Hope in myself and hope in others. Also, being patient can cure many things. You should try it sometime.

sweet dreams.

-Ro

Some people are just plain retarded..

Good night world

Date:	2009-03-20 16:48
Subject:	work..
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

I FINALLY have some free time on my hands, something I don't get to have that much anymore. Today is my last day of spring break. Which is awkward because technically spring starts today. I am so excited for summer and all the great changes I see coming my way. It's surreal to even think about my sister getting married. I can't imagine her moving out! It's going to be such a HUGE change. However, I am extremely excited for her and the wedding! Everything else is going good, I can't complain. If I complained about every little thing in my life I wouldn't get anywhere. What I'm trying to say is that nothing is worth complaining over right now, and I'm thankful for that. School is driving me nutso, but it's bearable. I loaded myself with 7 classes this semester. I don't know why, but I did. This has to be the most challenging semester yet. I'm almost reaching the end so I can't complain. I'm going to be working on the Burbank International Film festival all of next week. There are going to be movie stars and all that jazz on our campus. So I guess it should be exciting? We'll see. I'm going to be a part of the production crew for my independent study course. So I'm basically getting credit for working on this festival. Everything else is bueno, I'm very much in the mood for shopping these days. I think I might go spring shopping this weekend before hell breaks loose again (school). Haha.. I'm just exaggerating, really. Anyways, well I should get back to work. I hope everyone else is doing bueno, pero I care about you guys. I might get to see my girls again tonight, so that should be fun!

Bye folks. ;)

Am I the only one who things AIG was STUPID for giving their employees bonuses with the bailout money that Obama gave them!!?? He gave you that money to get the business up and going you idiots, not to give your employees bonuses!! (that's OUR money)! Now they are going to get taxed so we can get our money back (good!). Anyways, sorry for the weird update! I just had to get it out! arrgghhh..

I'm focusing on myself. I'm making a change. I'm trying new things and loving everything. I'm standing far away from drama and not looking back anymore. I'm smiling and I'm working VERY hard. I'm making life easier.

nuff said.

Date:	2008-12-29 00:16
Subject:	who knows what's next??
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful

The answer to that.. No one knows what's next. Sometimes I get so scared thinking about what life has in store for me. I've been thinking about 2009 a lot and how I pray to god I actually get some kind of luck in my life. I've been pretty unlucky this year but I'm not going to sit here and complain all day. I've had my good and bad times and I've become a much stronger person in between but a little luck wouldn't hurt. Everything else in my life is good so I can't complain. I've grown not only this year but in the past month or so. Ever since this semester has been over i've started to feel like a different person. I want things in my life I never thought I wanted; I want to experience, be surprised, have some excitement, love, live to the fullest, travel, achieve, be active, and I just want balance between every hectic thing and great thing that comes and goes in my life. If 2009 is filled with this I will be satisfied. I will be happy

Date:	2008-12-12 21:07
Subject:	... and I've been afraid of changing cause i've built my life around you
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

I am DONE with this semester. Zip NADA!! NO MORE.. I don't think I have ever worked so hard in my entire life. School and work were literally draining me out! To the point where I couldn't take it sometimes, but I really pushed myself<-- a lot. So 2 of my grades got posted up and so far I have 2 A's. I will be the happiest person ever if I get straight A's again. I have been thinking about New York a lot lately and how I want to go to grad school there. I think I would have the BEST time ever if i moved there for 2 years. It would be the best experience of my life. I'm looking into graduation stuff already and it's so scary because it's almost here! This semester was the best time I have ever had at Woodbury. I met a ton of people and made some pretty awesome friends. I loved my professors and I actually enjoyed most of my classes. So I have nothing to regret. My parents are coming back from Cancun tonight. It feels like they have been gone FOREVER but it's only been a week. I guess because the house felt pretty empty without them around. SOOO.. I am terrified and NERVOUS about monday, some of you know why.. but I will get through it because I've been wanting to do this for a while now. My Ems is in the hospital right now and I keep thinking about her. She just had jaw surgery and she isn't recovering too well. I can just imagine how horrible it must be for her. Her mom keeps texting me and giving me an update of how she's doing day by day. I appreciate it so much, I love Diane. She's the best =) So I totally miss my paho posse. I haven't had time to do ANYTHING but school stuff lately (sorry guys).. BUT I am sooo happy to announce that I am FREE now. So please holler why don't you. I miss my friends. I miss everything fun that I haven't had time to do lately. So if you are reading this. I MISS YOU and I'll probably see you soon =P

Date:	2008-11-02 17:09
Subject:	I wish I can take back what I saw last night..
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

It hasn't left my head once.. last night I saw a girl getting hit by a car right in front of my eyes.. she flew about 150 feet away landing on the other side of the street, flat on the ground. My heart was pounding, I started shaking and I just couldn't believe my eyes. She was standing on the street hailing a cab and since the lane was so narrow and close to the curb, I guess she didn't realize that there were cars driving on that lane. This Range Rover sped up from the corner going about 50 mph and hit her so hard that the impact sounded like two cars crashing. The scary thing about all of this was that I predicted the entire thing right before it happened. I was standing there staring at her and wondering why she was standing so far into the street (I am guessing she was either drunk or buzzed at that point). I was a witness, the cops took down all of my info and said they would call me if they had any further questions. Since she was standing in the street, the driver wasn't at fault and he wasn't intoxicated or anything. He felt so horrible; c'mon, who wouldn't right? I feel traumatized and can't stop thinking about it, but I know I should stop and just try concentrating on other stuff, like my presentation that I will be doing tomorrow. Ughh, this is so hard..

I have lost respect for so many people lately..

ugh whatever.

soo.. I am now officially the "Event Administrator" for the communication club at Woodbury..

yays. =)

As days pass me by, I realize more and more everyday how there are only FEW people in this world that you can REALLY trust...

Date:	2008-10-06 00:10
Subject:	bittersweet
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

I don't know what to do, or what to say to her.. I am stuck.. too much is on my mind lately. I have so many things to worry about. School, tests, presentations, midterms.. aghh. Sometimes I don't even have time for work anymore. Everything is bizarre. I should have known taking 5 classes wasn't going to be the easiest thing ever. So the last thing on my mind right now is her.. My main focus right now is what has been happening in my life within these past couple of months, the changes I have been going through, the changes that have come my way, and the many changes that I still see coming. It's time I started thinking about myself.. Hello but I have a life too, and it's time I really focused on it.. I'm so scared sometimes, but then at the end of the day I realize how strong I have been and how much crap I've been dealing with these past years or so. Then I get this great feeling, the feeling of independence and the feeling of growing out of things because new things have been coming my way. It's one of those bittersweet moments.

so what? it's taking some time for things to settle down, at least I know I'm only growing from here on out.. If I have waited this long, I can wait more.. and trust me when I say that, I'm an expert at waiting. Sometimes I wonder why certain things just can't be easier? but everyone wonders the same thing, it's only a matter of time..

It will all settle down soon..
soon.